I can’t lie…your 10th month flew by. Before I knew it you were 11 months and then almost one.
I knew before you and your sister were even born that I wanted to really document the best I could the thoughts and feelings and images of your first year. I knew it would be hard to keep up once you got older but that first year is so formative. I wanted these monthly synopses to really focus on the transition we as a family had once you were here in the flesh. I want you to be able to look back, and while reading, know without a doubt what an integral part you are of our family. I want you to know that from the very beginning nothing mattered more to me than the responsibility of caring for you. Listening to you. Knowing you.
Some people think that because you are so young and won’t “remember” that things like your birth or your first year may not affect you all that much. But that is wrong. Incorrect. I believe with all my heart and mind that you were smart and aware before you were even born. Capable of thinking, feeling and internalizing all of it. I know that so much of what has happened in the last 10 months has formed little connections in your mind.
If this journaling does nothing else I hope it tells you this: You Matter.
You are loved beyond any words I have to describe love. You are a thought in my mind constantly. Every part of you makes me swell with pride and happiness. The moments when you stand on your own or take your first couple of steps (which you did this month!) and the moments when we get through something challenging…like a long night of teething or a weekend when we had to be apart while I worked. Growing with you is what I am doing. When you point at a bird for the first time, something in me changes too. When you copy my sounds and we sing together, something happens that can’t be reversed. Little connections you and I are making. Bonding us closer and closer to one another.
My hope is this bonding will help us through the experiences that are sure to come that will rock us. The moments when there is hurt or fear. We can rely on each other for strength and for comfort. We can KNOW that we are secure. That is why I am doing this. Proof.
This month I want to share a couple of songs I have written for you.
I know my days are limited where you will want to lay in my arms being soothed by me.
Feeding you and holding you before you go down for naps or bedtime are some of my most treasured moments.
The lights are dim, the sounds are calming and I stroke your hair and touch your cheek while my arms hold you tight.
When you were younger and these moments where longer, I did on occasion read on my phone while you feed but this month I stopped doing that. I just look at you and meditate.
This month while I hold you and sing to you, you have started watching me while I do this. Really watching me. I can tell you recognize the words. Your bright little eyes light up and watch me as I sing my feelings.
I wrote your lullaby the day your cousin Charlie was born driving back from the hospital. The lyrics and melody just came in a matter of minutes.
Fairbanks Mitchell Porter the first
We wanted you here, then you came to earth
Hugging, kissing and giggling too
Fairbanks, your Mama loves you.
I love you, I love you I’ll sing it to the sky
I love you, I love you as I look into your eyes
Run with me through this meadow
Baby hold my hand
Fairbanks, your mama’s favorite little man.
(alternate ending: Run with me through this meadow, throw your arms round me tight. Fairbanks, with you here, everything is right).
This other song I wrote while you were only a month or so. We had just finished eating and you were lying on my legs.
I just love you so much
I just wanted you to know
I never will leave you
I’ll go wherever you go
I love you more than one
I love you more than two
You could count forever and it would still be too few
I just love you so much
I just wanted you to know…
Over and over we sing these songs, in varying ways. Your sister has them memorized and sometimes will break out in “I just love you so much!!!!”
And we do! Happy 10 months to my sweet, climby, on the verge of walking boy.
I am so happy you are mine.